Kids, I'd like to share with you some quick and easy keys to success. Gone are the days of hard work. That's right! By simply using these simple formulas every day, you'll be happy, your parents will be happy, you'll get straight A's, and there will be scholarships waiting for you at Harvard and Yale.
In short, here are the 5 ways to study in school and at home . . . and totally not work at all!
1. Zone out in class. There's no need to listen to what the teacher says, because you'll be able to figure it out when you get home. You'll also be able to look it up on the internet, because Wikipedia is your BFF. Never do today what you can put off till late tonight.
2. Always ask the teacher, "Will this be on the test?" This question is the mark of educational maturity. If the teacher doesn't explicitly say it will be, don't study it. Don't worry if you have a rude surprise during the exam with an unexpected question; you can always get your parents to coax a grade increase out of the teacher.
3. When your teacher gives you terms to memorize, don't. You're not a caveman. However, you need to feel as though you're memorizing them, so be sure to spend your precious and limited study time by getting ready to memorize without actually memorizing. Cut out index vocab cards that you have no intention of ever using. Convince yourself that "you memorize by writing things down," so just keep copying down the same old terms so you can pretend you're engaging your brain. Success is all about self-confidence.
4. Study with as many distractions as possible. Not only will this make homework a joy for you, but it will prevent you from doing any work. For example, your bed, archaically recognized as a place reserved for sleeping, is your best choice. However, you can also study downstairs in the living room where your parents are watching TV shows. Don't forget to bring your smartphone with you so that you can text for absolutely no reason at all. If the TV isn't on, utilize your earbuds or your Monster Beats by Dr. Dre headphones. As you write your essay on the evolution of modern psychology, this environment will force you to avoid the traditional rules of grammar and composition, allowing you to write from your heart. With luck, your teacher will have no idea what you're saying.
5. Shut your bedroom door by 8:00 PM, but do not begin homework until 10:00 PM, preferably 12:00 AM. You need space to FaceTime your friends, watch clips on YouTube, and visit interesting websites. By the time you begin studying, you'll be able to doze onto your math book every 90 seconds. This is known as double-tasking, a universal virtue. You are getting much-needed rest and following in the noble footsteps of Einstein. It is a high and lonely destiny!
In summary, remember that at the end of the day, you're your own hero. When the going gets tough, there's always someone besides yourself that you can blame! Kiddo, you need to learn how to make your own kind of music and sing your own special song.